


Things You Said

by cleverusernameloading



Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Alex is my tiny tiny child, Gen, I'm so sorry, K Unit, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, how the frick frack do summaries work, my poor tiny Alex, none of them can raise a child, they're all bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-03-25 11:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3809116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleverusernameloading/pseuds/cleverusernameloading
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>post-Scorpia Rising</p><p>K-Unit has no idea how to raise a child, especially not a depressed, barely stable, fifteen-year-old former spy. But Alex needs help, and they can't say no.</p><p>Just a series of one-shots, no real plot involved at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What You Said When You Thought I Was Asleep

**Author's Note:**

> I am but a young American who is very bad at trying to sound not American so apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka I should have gone to sleep half an hour ago but instead I opted to write a sad Alex rider fic  
> written in one go with no real editing so I'll go through and fix that at some point but

Ben wants to know who in the world possibly thought that it was a good idea to make him responsible for a traumatized fifteen-year-old.

Technically, he supposes, it's partially his fault. He had been involved in the discussion about what to do with the boy who used to be normal and happy. He had objected strongly to the idea of sending Alex to an orphanage or foster home or anything of the sort. He had said he could watch over Alex temporarily, although he hadn't thought anyone would actually say yes. And now he's the one who has to try to figure out what to do with a fifteen-year-old boy who's been through more than most could even imagine. 

Temporarily. That's what he had suggested, and that's what Mrs. Jones had (somehow) agreed to. But they had been saying temporarily for almost a month and half now. 

Ben wouldn't care all that much if he didn't feel so helpless. 

Alex doesn't do much, which is simultaneously easy and hard for Ben to deal with. Alex is fifteen, fairly attractive, and good in school. He should be playing football and going to movies and having fun, being happy--never recruited by MI6 to begin with. Inwardly, Ben curses Blunt and all the others who thought that _using_ a _fourteen-year-old_ was a good idea. Alex had been destroyed, all chances at a happy life annihilated by the memories alone. 

Ben hadn't really grasped the severity of the shock Alex had had until he had seen him the day he showed up at Ben's apartment, exhausted and unenthusiastic and somehow not Alex. The boy had no one left, and he knew it. He had been dumped in some random agent's lap and left to act as though his entire world hadn't been crushed. 

Ben had gently pulled him into a hug and let the boy cry. 

And now he's here, sitting at his kitchen table at two-forty-three in the morning and unable to sleep. It's ridiculous, really. He's Ben freaking Daniels. He can fall asleep whenever, wherever. But Alex, Alex's face and very bearing, keeps haunting him. No fifteen-year-old should look that broken. No fifteen-year-old should have seen that much pain. No fifteen-year-old--no person at all--should wake screaming several times a night because his past is too dark and terrible to stay in the past. What kind of monsters are MI6, anyway, causing a teenager that much stress and horror? They're supposed to be the good guys, Ben thinks, but they really aren't doing a very spectacular job of that.

Ben sets his whiskey back on the table and sighs. He should go check on Alex, make sure he's as okay as he can be. Maybe sit for a little while, if he's had another nightmare and is awake. 

Ben stands carefully and begins to walk down the hallway, making no noise. If Alex is asleep, he doesn't want to wake him up. Poor kid gets little enough as it is. Ben quietly enters the room. 

Alex is curled up under the covers, and Ben can tell he's already woken once or twice, but for the moment he's breathing deeply and evenly. He looks so young, so small, and Ben feels a fresh pang of pity and sorrow. 

"You never deserved any of this, you know," he whispers somewhat awkwardly, certain he's not speaking loud enough to wake Alex up. "You deserved to be normal. And happy. Not caught up in this nightmare. Not reduced to this. 

"You're brave, Alex, I hope you know that. Most wouldn't be functioning at all, probably wouldn't have even survived what you have. You were great. A great spy. 

"But you should never have had to have been a great spy. At least not until you were older. I am so sorry, Alex. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all of this. 

"I just want you to know that I care about you. Others care about you. If you ever decide to go back to your normal life, we'll all support you. We'll all watch out for you, Alex. 

"Because you're important. To me. And to the world." 

Ben gently brushes Alex's hair out of his face and stands, stretching. Sleep sounds like a good idea. He should at least try. 

As Ben leaves the room, Alex slowly turns over, silent tears running down his face. 

Maybe he does have a reason to keep going.


	2. What You Said Through Your Teeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at some point Ben recruited the rest of K-Unit as well (explained in more detail in my other fic Unit Means Family, Cub but you don't really have to read that to understand what's going on)  
> *casually forgets about prompt and then realizes that oh yeah I need to write that in*

The second MI6 even contacts Alex, Ben is out the door. 

Snake and Eagle, who are on their way back in after a movie, watch him (and barely manage not to be shoved over) as he stalks out of the apartment with a very familiar look on his face. That's the look he gets when he's furious--not mad, but full-on furious. That's his "I'm-about-to-make-a-not-very-well-thought-out-and-possibly-very-stupid-impulsive-decision" face, and it's never a good thing. 

Wolf follows a few seconds later, calling for him to slow down, but Fox doesn't even hear.

"What's going on?" Snake asks. Wolf just gestures vaguely. 

"Go inside. Make sure Cub's okay," he orders, then starts following Fox. 

"Hold on!" Eagle yells after him. "Why do we need to make sure--ugh, he can't even hear me. Do you think there was an attack?" 

"Sure doesn't look like it," Snake replies as he pokes his head in. Cub is sitting on the sofa in the front room, apparently unharmed, but shaking badly, his fists clenched at his sides. "Hey. Cub. _Alex_ ," he adds when the SAS nickname doesn't seem to have an effect. "What's up?"

Alex looks up. He's angry too, but there's something else in his eyes. Fear? Maybe pain? Snake and Eagle both step inside just as he explains. "MI6 called," he half-snaps. "They want me to do a favor for them. How can they even do that after...after..." Alex trails off as sudden tears appear in his eyes. He doesn't need to finish the sentence. All of K-Unit knows what happened last time. 

Snake and Eagle trade glances. So that's where Fox is going, probably. Snake sits next to Cub and only kind of awkwardly puts an arm around him. "It's okay, Alex," he reassures the fifteen-year-old (he's noticed in the past that using Alex's real name is better at times like these). "You don't have to do anything for MI6. We'll make sure of it." 

"Yeah, Alex." Eagle sits on Cub's other side. "You're safe. You don't have to go back. If they try to force you into it again, we'll all quit, and then they'll be out four amazing agents!" 

"Amazing? You? That might be a bit generous," Alex says, but it looks like he's managing a smirk. 

"Hey!" Eagle exclaims, pretending to be offended, but inwardly he sighs in relief. If Alex is making jokes, he's probably at least a little better already. 

He hopes Wolf manages to stop Fox before the latter does anything stupid. 

* * *

Unfortunately, he doesn't. 

By the time Wolf can even see Fox again (why can't he just slow down?), he's getting into a cab, with no others nearby for Wolf to try to flag down. He assumes, though, that the other man is heading for the Royal & General Bank and proceeds to start running.

* * *

Ben throws open the doors of the bank and stalks in, ignoring the greeting from the blonde secretary in the back. Mrs. Jones has some nerve asking Alex for something barely two and a half months after the disaster in Cairo. Doesn't she know how much Alex has been through? Doesn't she know the pain he experiences every single day and relives every single night? 

The elevator doors open as he approaches, and he's suddenly glad he has a high enough status to get into this place without having to hurt anyone. There aren't any weapons on him--he knew the sensor would pick them up--so when he slams the button for the correct floor, the elevator starts to rise. He paces as he waits, trying to get his angry and jumbled thoughts to coalesce into something that at least kind of resembles a civil argument and not just a string of swear words and insults. 

So far, it's not working very well. 

The doors slide open smoothly and Ben immediately heads for Mrs. Jones's door, knocking fiercely. "Come in," she says, sounding far too calm for Ben's liking. 

He opens the door. Mrs. Jones sits behind her desk, tapping a pen on a rather long document in front of her. "What is it, Daniels?" she asks, voice brisk but not unkind. "If this is about Alex, I-" 

Ben cuts her off, something he usually wouldn't dare to do. "Of course it's about Alex! What were you even _thinking_? You were never supposed to contact him again!"

"It's an easy, straightforward thing. He just has to walk down a street." As she's speaking, Mrs. Jones unobtrusively presses a button on the side of her pen. She doesn't really think she's in danger, but people do unexpected things when they're angry.

"If I remember correctly, that's pretty much what you said about the others, too," Ben snaps. "I'd come to expect this from Blunt, but you? I thought you were better than this." 

"Trust me, Daniels. I wouldn't have called him if I didn't think it wouldn't be thoroughly safe." 

Several heavily armed agents enter the room before Ben has a chance to reply. As they restrain him (even though he's not attacking anyone), he manages to spit out one final remark through clenched teeth. 

"If you ever, _ever_ contact Alex again, I will quit. And I will do my very best to ensure that you never ruin anyone else's lives again." 

Mrs. Jones watches as he's dragged out and sighs. She hates that she had to call Alex (the poor boy), but she knows now that K-Unit will continue to be a solution. If Alex is protected like that, she's sure she doesn't want to move him.


	3. What You Said When You Saw the Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brief description of scars--not graphic or detailed or anything but this is just a warning

When the cone appears in front of him, Alex doesn't even register it until he's already sprawled on the ground, his bike half on top of him. For a second all he can think of is his surprise. How did he not notice that? He's supposed to have great reflexes, and yet he was brought down by a traffic cone. 

Then suddenly the main sensation Alex is aware of is pain: burning in his knees, an uncomfortable ache in his ribs, stinging in his palms. He knew it was a bad idea to go riding his bike in the middle of the night, but he had needed a way to escape the nightmares. And look where it got him. Alone, on a dark street, at least three kilometers from the apartment he shares with K-Unit whenever they're between missions, and injured. This is just great. 

Alex swears.

* * *

It takes him close to forty five minutes to get back to the apartment, a distance he had previously covered in fifteen. All the lights are off and everything seems to be quiet, which is both good and bad. It means no one has noticed that he left, but it also means that no one's awake to help him. He's going to have to wake someone up; the question is who. Fox will get overly protective. Wolf will probably lecture him for being out. Eagle won't be happy to be woken in the middle of the night, although he probably would be happy to help out. Snake, maybe? He won't ask too many questions, won't get too upset, and is, after all, a medic.

Alex goes over all of this in less than two seconds as he locks his bike onto the rack out front. Chris is definitely the best choice. The real trick will be waking up him and him only. 

The front door opens in complete silence--Alex makes a mental note to suggest that they do something about that--and he makes it upstairs without any incident. Knocking as quietly on what he's fairly certain is the right door as possible, Alex quietly calls, "Chris. Wake up. Come on, Snake." 

Chris emerges a few seconds later, looking exhausted. "Cub, it's two in the...where did all that blood come from?" 

"Shhh," Alex says frantically and listens to make sure no one else is moving. "I fell off my bike." 

"At two in the morning?" 

"It was closer to one when I fell." Alex shifts uncomfortably, trying to ignore the pain. 

To his credit, Snake doesn't ask why Alex was on his bike at one in the morning either. "I'm assuming you want some help?" 

Alex nodded. "Yeah, I'd appreciate it." 

"Go downstairs, try not to bleed on the couch. I'll be there in a few minutes. Do you want me to wake anyone--" 

"No," Alex replies without giving him a chance to finish. "They'll worry. And probably be mad." 

"And I'm not?" 

"Sorry." 

"Nah, it's fine. Don't worry about it, Alex." Chris gestures vaguely and heads back into his room.

* * *

Chris shakes his head as he rummages around in his room, looking for the first aid kit. Cub manages to get into more trouble than anyone else he knows, SAS soldiers and (adult) MI6 agents included. 

Carefully, quietly, he exits his room and makes his way downstairs, where Cub is sitting on the couch. None of the lights are on, and the shadows from the faint light coming through the window make the dark circles under Alex's eyes even more obvious. Snake silently curses MI6--it's their fault Alex was ever put in this situation at all. 

Cub has a wad of paper towels pressed against his right knee, and the blood is already showing through. Snake sighs. "You know, just once it would be nice if you didn't hurt yourself. Let me see that." 

Alex carefully pulls the paper towels away. A huge gouge stretches across the entire base of his knee, still bleeding badly. 

Chris whistles. "Wow. That's...impressive." 

"I was wearing shorts." 

"It's ten degrees out." 

Alex shrugs, obviously uncomfortable, and blinks slowly. "I didn't stop to change."

Snake just shakes his head again and replaces the paper towels with gauze with antibacterial ointment on it. Cub's other knee isn't as bad, thank goodness, but it still takes him several minutes to get them both bandaged. 

As he's going about treating Alex, he notices just how tired the young man really is. Privately, he's pretty sure he knows why Alex was biking in the middle of the night, but he's not going to address it. Alex can bring it up when he's ready. 

After he finishes Cub's knees and gives him a couple of band-aids for his hands, he's about to call it done when he notices the tears in Cub's shirt. Red spots, previously hard to make out due to the lighting and the fact that shirt itself is also red, are beginning to spread across the fabric.

"Shirt. Off," Snake orders immediately. He probably could cut the fabric away, but it's faster just to have Alex remove it.

Alex only hesitates for a second before pulling his shirt over his head. Chris's eyes widen in surprise. Alex's torso alone is covered in scars, from the bullet above his heart to the edges of the burns showing over the tops of his shoulders to the various small cuts. He's treated soldiers of twenty years with fewer scars. "Cub," he breathes, feeling a vague sense of horror build inside. "How...how long have you been working with MI6 again?" 

"A year. Or so. Give or take a month." Alex taps his fingers on the couch cushion. "I know. It's ridiculous." 

"It's inhuman!" Snake exclaims. "I can't believe...how could they... _fifteen_." He can't seem to say an entire sentence. "I am so sorry." 

"It's okay. I mean, I'm alive, aren't I?" Alex looks uncomfortable again.

"Yeah." Chris isn't sure he can even say anything else. An awkward silence stretches out as he bandages Alex's ribs. 

Once he's done, he stands and makes sure that he didn't miss anything. "Don't do anything stupid, okay? At least, nothing any more stupid than usual." 

Alex pretends to be offended. "I am the very picture of wisdom and responsibility." 

"Right." Snake snorts. "Come on. Get to sleep. You need it." 

"Don't tell the others?" 

"Of course not," Snake promises, gesturing for Alex to climb the stairs ahead of him. 

"Thanks," Alex replies quietly. 

"Yep." Snake stops in front of Alex's door. "And, uh, Alex?" 

"Yeah?" 

"None of it should have ever happened to you." He places a gentle hand on Alex's shoulder. "I am so sorry. If you ever want to talk, and I mean about anything..." 

Alex studies the man's face for a second before nodding, looking almost sad. "Thanks. But I'm fine. Really." 

They both know he's lying, but neither says a word.


	4. What You Said When I Broke Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> panic attack, torture mentioned briefly but not too graphically, a little bit of self-hate

Barely a week after he comes back from the hospital, Alex gives up.

The mission had been a disaster--not an Egypt-level disaster, granted, but still bad. What was supposed to be a simple in-and-out had turned south quickly, leading to Alex's discovery, capture, and torture. He had sent a distress signal, but that had been ignored for nearly a month. 

(Of course, he had no way of knowing that it hadn't been ignored--Mrs. Jones had sent a team that had failed disastrously. And then she had sent another. And, finally, the third--the one that had found Alex stumbling out of his cell, barely staying upright and barely staying conscious at all--had succeeded. Alex, however, didn't know any of this. He just thought MI6 had betrayed him. Again.) 

When he arrived at the hospital, he had been slipping fast, the result of the burns, breaks, and various incisions that covered his body. It had taken him two days to regain consciousness, although the doctors had expected much longer. 

(Neither did he have any way of knowing that the doctors were horrified that such a thing had happened to a fifteen-year-old boy. Only one--the head doctor, a woman named Dr. Horn--knew the truth, but it wasn't hard for the rest of them to guess. The doctor had told herself that she was doing her patriotic duty, that the government knew best, but she still felt revolted whenever she realized what MI6 had done to this boy. Who cared if he was Alex Rider, super spy? He was a boy. He was just a boy.) 

After several weeks, Alex went home to K-Unit, accepted their exclamations of we-were-so-worried and how-dare-MI6 and are-you-okay but gave no reply. He withdrew, completely and totally withdrew. He had to be talked into eating, drinking, sleeping--everything. Quite honestly, he had terrified K-Unit.

Six days after he got home, Alex comes downstairs. He tries to act normal, tries with every fiber of his being, but evidence of his suffering is plain to the others. The way he walks (as though he's afraid the simple movement is going to hurt him), the way he looks (like he thinks everything is out to get him), the way he talks (much too bright and happy)--all speak volumes as to the depth of the trauma he had experienced. He avoids bright light, loud noises, and any unnecessary human interaction.

But the day passes without major incident. Alex goes to sleep, or at least to bed--not much sleeping really happens. 

It isn't until the next day that everything goes south. At first, it seems fine--not normal, a term that can never be associated with Alex Rider--but fine. He eats breakfast with Snake and Eagle (Wolf and Fox are out doing something). He gets up to go back upstairs and gets dressed.

Then Eagle grabs his wrist, unintentionally placing his hand exactly where Alex had been bound. "Hey, Cub, wait a second. I want to--whoa, what's wrong?" 

Alex has suddenly gone pale and is completely frozen, rooted to the spot like he's been glued down. He can feel a flashback approaching, a feeling that he wishes desperately he wasn't familiar with. 

Eagle, not understanding, still doesn't release his wrist. 

"Cub, you okay?" Eagle sounds concerned. Alex just wants to tell him, to beg him to let him go, but he can't seem to speak. His breathing quickens involuntarily. 

_Sharp, crushing pain annihilating every part of him. Questions, hard and unyielding. And his own screams, echoing, surrounding him, offering no escape._

"Cub. Cub?" The concern has turned much more frantic. Alex realizes that he's on his knees, although he doesn't remember falling. " _Alex_." 

_"Alex," the man says slowly. "You're still not cooperating. You understand what that means, don't you? That means more misery, more pain, more whatever it takes for you to start talking." And then the cold shock of water, the absence of oxygen, and a final, blessed darkness._

"Snake, get in here!" Eagle shouts. Alex instinctively flinches away from the sound. At least the other man is no longer restraining him. "Alex, listen to me. Try to take deep breaths. Follow me. Come on." 

Alex hears the words but can't seem to control his breathing (or, he realizes with a faint sense of horror, much of anything else). When did his heart start beating so fast? He feels like he's going to pass out. 

"Connor, what happened?" A new voice. Snake. 

"I don't know! Panic attack, I think?" 

"Maybe." Snake kneels by Alex, takes his hand. Without thinking, Alex tries to pull away. "Hey, Cub, it's just me. I'm not going to hurt you. Can you hear me?" 

Somehow, Alex nods. He's relaxed somewhat, but he still doesn't like the fact that anyone's touching him. Bad things happen when people touch him, and he has the scars to prove it. 

"I'm going to tell you when to breathe in and when to breathe out. Try to follow that if you can." 

Alex nods again. 

"In. Out. In. Out." 

It takes a couple of minutes, but Alex manages to align his breathing with Chris's words. Already the whole thing seems pathetic, even to him. Someone grabs his wrist, and suddenly he can't function? Not great for an MI6 agent.

"Alex," Chris says softly after a few more minutes. "Alex, what happened?" 

"Nothing," Alex almost-whispers. He almost adds an _I'm fine_ , but he knows Snake won't buy it. "Just a flashback. My-my wrist, it was...stuck." 

Eagle looks close to horrified. "Cub, I'm really-" 

"It's fine, Connor. Really," Alex interrupts. There's someone to blame here, and it isn't the SAS man. If anything, it's MI6--MI6, the source of nearly every problem in Alex's life. 

Connor looks unconvinced but doesn't say anything else. "Cub, do you need anything?" Snake asks, finally removing his hand. 

"I don't want to go back," Alex blurts suddenly and not entirely on purpose. "I don't want to go back to MI6 Snake they're going to make me go back I-"

"Alex, you don't have to go back," Snake reassures him, then stands and offers a hand to Alex. "I promise." 

_People have broken their promises to me my whole life_ , Alex wants to say, but doesn't. He stands and only recoils slightly when Snake pulls him into a hug. 

"You hear me?" Chris says fiercely. "You don't have to go back. Ever. You've done too much for them already. None of this should ever have happened. I'm here for you, okay? We're all here for you." 

"Thanks," Alex says quietly. After a moment, he returns the hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to enjolrolo for the critiques I asked for  
> Do you guys think I should do Eagle or Wolf for the next two chapters? (whichever one isn't first will still get their two, it'll just be after)


	5. What You Said When I Tried to Push You Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ~~I have literally no idea what I'm doing~~  
>  they're all my tiny tiny children

"You're sure you'll be okay?" 

Alex sighs and tries to ignore how much Ben sounds like Jack. "You're going to be gone for a week, yeah?" 

"Hopefully." Ben hefts his duffel to his shoulder 

"If I can manage an assassination attempt, missions, and stopping multiple psychopaths, I think I can handle staying by myself for a week," Alex replies dryly. "I'll be fine. Promise. Besides, this mission is important." 

Ben hesitates for a moment, blue eyes worried. "If anything-" 

"He'll be _fine_ , Fox." Eagle leans against the door frame. "Personally, I'd be more worried about the mild adhesive compound that I put on that strap than whether or not Alex can take care of himself for a week." 

Connor delivers it so innocently that it takes Fox a second too understand what he means. "You _glued_ my-" he starts, but Eagle is already gone. He shakes his head and starts to walk out. 

"Wait," Alex says, grabbing his arm. "Promise me you'll come back." There's a hint of desperation in his voice as he remembers all the people in his life who never did. What if K-Unit dies? He has nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to. 

Ben nods immediately. "Of course we'll come back. Someone has to worry about you." 

Alex follows him to the door. "Good luck," he says with a voice that he somehow keeps steady. 

Ben smiles and walks to the car. 

* * *

Without K-Unit, the flat seems empty, like the old house did after Ian died. For the first day Alex mostly wanders, exploring each of the small rooms (except the others' bedrooms) to the fullest. There's a spider in the corner of the dining room. They really need to dust behind the TV. A couple of the closets have small empty spaces that Alex can probably use next time he wants to be alone.

Over the next five days, between going and homework, school takes up most of his time. He does his best to not worry about whether K-Unit will survive and concentrates instead on calculus and biology. No one knows that he's home by himself, and he doubts anyone would care. 

The nights are when their absence hits him the worst. Usually, the nightmares aren't as bad when he knows other people are around. When he does wake up, there's generally at least one person who he can talk to, or who will at least just sit there and hold him as he tries to stop crying. But now there's no one. He has to face the past alone. 

Even with the nightmares, though, Alex makes it through. He survives the school week. And with the knowledge that K-Unit is going to be home the next day, he relaxes.

Until, that is, someone breaks into the house at three in the morning. Alex really should be asleep, but he doesn't want to be, and he's suddenly glad he isn't. 

He can hear them open the front door--it squeaks loudly no matter how carefully one opens it, and they have it do that for this very reason. A minute or so later, just when he starts to think he imagined it, he hears the fourth stair creak. 

Although his heart is racing, he keeps his breathing deep and even. The knife that he snuck into the flat is under most of the socks in his sock drawer--no way to get to it before whoever it is enters his room. They are, he assumes, going to enter his room.

Vaguely, in passing, he realizes that it's probably not a good thing when he assumes someone breaking into his place of residence is coming specifically for him. Normal people don't think that. But, he concedes reluctantly, he's not exactly normal. Normal people don't keep knives in sock drawers, either.

So he rolls over as slowly and quietly as he can, carefully grabbing the edges of his quilt, and waits for the door to open. 

Thirty seconds later, it does. Abruptly, Alex realizes that if whoever it is shoots him right off, a quilt isn't going to do him any good whatsoever. But, as the footsteps get closer and Alex fights every urge to open his eyes, it seems like that isn't the plan. What the plan is, Alex has no idea. He doesn't think he wants to find out. 

As soon as they're close enough, Alex strikes. 

He leaps out of bed, the quilt right against the intruder's face. The faint light from beyond the blinds glints off of something silvery in their left hand--a knife, maybe, or a syringe. Alex redoubles his efforts. 

Despite this, though, his opponent manages to shove Alex to the ground, the quilt now impeding the teenager's movements instead of theirs. His assailant kneels over him just as he manages to get a hand out from under the quilt and grab the other's left wrist. Already, Alex can tell that whoever this is is stronger than him. He vainly tries to buck them off but stops as soon as he realizes that all he's accomplishing is bruising his back against the floor. He manages to get his other hand out from under the quilt and joins its efforts with his other hand, but it doesn't seem to accomplish much.

Alex's arms are shaking, and he realizes that he really needs to start exercising again. _Well, assuming I survive this_ , he thinks. It's looking less and less likely as the knife--he can see for sure that it's a knife now--gets closer and closer to his throat. He yells in frustration and kicks wildly, wincing as his foot connects with his dresser. 

The knife is touching his throat now: despite all his best efforts, he's simply being overpowered. Alex relaxes, acknowledges the inevitable, and struggles less and less. 

* * *

Wolf eases the door open, clenching his teeth slightly as it creaks so loud that they probably hear it at MI6. Hopefully it doesn't wake Alex up. Although, if it does, he supposes there's no stopping it. 

He and the rest of K-Unit enter the apartment, Snake closing the door (and triggering that horrific squeak again) behind him. Eagle immediately drops on the nearest chair, looking about as exhausted as Wolf feels. 

_Thump._

James looks up at the ceiling, trying to decide if he really heard something or if he's just feeling the effects of sleep deprivation. He just decides that he didn't when it sounds again. 

_Thump. Thump._

"Do you hear that?" Wolf asks no one in particular. 

"It's probably just the walls shifting," Fox sighs, eyes drooping. 

"It was too loud for that," Wolf insists. "Isn't Cub's room above this one?" 

"Yeah, I think so," Fox says absently. 

Then, faintly, comes a yell and another thump. 

Wolf feels his older-brother instincts kick in. "I'm going to go check on him." 

"It's probably just nightmares again," Fox calls after him, but Wolf is already gone. 

Snake is staring up at the ceiling now as well. "I don't know, it didn't sound right."

"Well, I'm sure Wolf can take care of whatever it is," Eagle says as he leans back and closes his eyes. 

* * *

The blade nicks Alex's throat, probably drawing blood, and Alex just can't hold out any longer. He lets go of his attacker's wrist and closes his eyes... 

Just in time to feel the weight on his chest abruptly vanish. 

_That was fast_ , he thinks vaguely. He had been expecting more pain. More pain, and maybe some light. It's still so dark...is he just going to float in darkness, alone, forever? The thought terrifies him. He was at least hoping to see his parents. 

Actually, he realizes, there still _is_ some light. And a throb in his neck, pulsing with his heart. _This death thing is really inconsistent_ , Alex notes, his mind still trying to process what happened. 

Then, suddenly, he can make out two figures grappling not a meter away from him. He's alive! He was never dead to begin with! 

The thought energizes him, and he throws the quilt aside to see if whoever it is needs help. 

Wait--who is it? He should be alone in the house. 

Alex looks closer. Wolf? K-Unit isn't supposed to be home until tomorrow afternoon. 

"Wolf?" he asks cautiously as he goes to his dresser and pulls his knife out. 

A faint grunt is the only reply. And, considering there's a fight going on, it might not even be a reply. 

As Alex approaches them, he realizes quickly that Wolf needs no help. He has the attacker in a chokehold, and, judging by their rapidly weakening struggles, they're losing consciousness. 

However, with what must be the last of their strength, they break free from Wolf, put a hand to their mouth quickly, lock eyes with Alex, and hiss, "Scorpia never forgives. Scorpia never"--they cough--"never forgets." 

Then, they fall to the floor, dead. They must have poisoned themselves when they realized it was hopeless, Alex thinks. 

Suddenly, it all sets in. Scorpia (how were they even still functioning?) sent an assassin to his flat? He's never going to escape. Ever. 

_Maybe it was just a single, angry person with a grudge_ , Alex's mind provides. It's not the best explanation, but Alex immediately seizes on it and accepts it. It was an isolated incident. Nothing more. Still, it seems like danger follows him everywhere. He's a menace to everyone around him. 

"Cub? Hey, Cub." Wolf's voice cuts through the haze. "Talk to me. Are you okay?" 

"I need to leave," Alex says urgently. What if K-Unit had been home the whole time? He has little doubt that the assassin would have killed them too. 

"We'll get another flat," Wolf reassures him. "Come on, Cub, you need to get downstairs. That cut looks bad." 

"No, no, that's not what I mean." Alex runs a shaking (when did that happen?) hand through his hair. "I need to leave you four. I put you in danger just by being around-' 

"Cub, stop," Wolf orders. "We're soldiers. We're always in danger." 

"Wolf, everyone around me dies! Ash, Razim, those CIA agents, my parents, my uncle, Jack..." Alex trails off. There are too many names to list. "You can't be around me Wolf I'm a curse you'll die too you can't die you can't die _you can't die_." 

"You know what, Cub? We might die," Wolf says bluntly. "But it's not because of you. You're not a curse. It's not your fault you've had bad luck. And you can't think for a second that we're going to leave. Or that we'll let you leave. Quite frankly, Cub, we've gotten attached. You're stuck with us, whether you like it or not." It's meant to be a joke, but it doesn't come out sounding like one. 

Alex looks up, finally. "Thanks, Wolf," he says, barely above a whisper. 

"Anytime." He stands and offers a hand to Alex. "Let's go downstairs."


	6. What You Said When I Stopped Caring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it took a little longer than usual to update and I'm really sorry about that but I've been reading a lot of fics and I've been testing all week but at least I'm writing that has to count for something right  
> 

"Hey, Alex. Can we talk to you?" 

Alex freezes before plastering a fake smile on his face and turning around. "Sure, I guess. Why? Something wrong?" 

"Not-not really." Fox has that strange I'm-going-to-attempt-to-be-a-parent tone in his voice, one that last time landed Alex with having to talk his way out of the sex discussion. Alex is pretty sure he knows what they want to talk about, and he's not interested. 

"Okay. Yeah. I'm just...I'm just going to use the loo."

Before Ben can even nod, Alex has run into the bathroom and slammed the door. He ignores the twinge of pain from his left wrist as he puts his hands on his face and takes several deep breaths in an attempt at preparation. 

If nothing else, this should give him a chance to practice his mask. 

* * *

"Wolf, relax. He's coming. He's not going to jump out the window or anything." Fox crosses his legs and leans back. "I mean, I don't doubt that he _could_ , but I don't think he _will_." 

Wolf mutters something that Ben doesn't quite catch, but that sounds suspiciously like, "He might." 

Despite their leader's concern, Alex comes down a couple of minutes later, a suitably confused but not overly worried look on his face. "What's this about, anyway?" 

"Sit," Wolf orders. 

After a moment's hesitation, Alex perches on the nearest chair, fingers tapping nervously. "You didn't answer my question," he notes. 

"We're worried about you," Ben explains. 

"You're always worried about me." 

"Well, we're really worried about you." Eagle puts his feet up on the coffee table and ignores the hiss of protest that he gets from Wolf in return. "Specifically, your recent lack of self-preservation."

Alex just stares. "You're kidding." 

"No, we're not," Snake sighs. "You've been really reckless lately. I mean, you-" 

"Jumped off a building? Yeah, I did. But I knew there was a net. I'm fine." Alex waves his left hand dismissively, then winces slightly, pain flashing briefly in his eyes. Before Fox is even sure that he saw it, Alex's face is back to normal. "I'm not going to go kill myself or anything." 

"That's not really what we're worried about," Fox says in only slight frustration. 

"Well, what _are_ you worried about?" 

"That you'll do something stupid and _get_ yourself killed!"

Alex's tapping increases in speed. "I'm not going to get myself killed."

"Alex," Ben says warningly, but the teen just smiles. 

"I'm good, guys, but thanks." Alex jumps up off the chair and heads for the stairs. At this point, Alex's avoidance of anything involving talking about him is commonplace, but Ben still wishes they could make progress. The kid obviously isn't okay. "Nice talk, though." 

K-Unit stares after him for a second before Snake opens his mouth to call him back, but Fox shoots him a look that clearly says _he isn't going to listen_. Snake sighs and nods. "Well, that went well." 

* * *

"This really isn't going according to plan," Snake comments as he ducks a bullet and fires two in response in one smooth motion. 

"You think?" Wolf growls. He winces as he stretches his injured shoulder a little too far for comfort. "You know, I still think Cub shouldn't have come."

"Shut up, Wolf." Cub has a slightly blank-eyed look of intense concentration on his face, the look he usually gets during combat. "I'm here. Deal with it." 

Wolf scowls. "Cub-" 

"Will you both shut up and shoot?" Fox demands. "Eagle, get that door open!" 

"What do you think I'm trying to do?" Eagle exclaims. "This is really complicated circuitry, you know." 

"You know what's not complicated? _There are people shooting at us_." 

"I almost have it, okay? Deep breaths. Watch your blood pressure."

With a audible click, the door unlocks. "Got it!"

"Finally." Wolf shifts his gun to his other hand to provide better cover and gestures at the rest of the unit. "Go!" 

Snake and Fox get through quickly, followed almost immediately by Eagle. Only Cub and Wolf remain, but Cub doesn't look like he's going to go anywhere. 

"Go, Cub, leave!" Wolf snaps. 

"The files!" Cub objects, gazing at the briefcase laying in the center of the hallway not ten meters away. Somehow, even distracted, the kid can still shoot amazingly. Not for the first time, Wolf wishes he knew why. 

"I think they'd rather lose the files than lose us. This mission isn't that high-priority, remember?" He probably does. Wolf suspects that the only reason Cub agreed to come along is the fact that millions of lives _aren't_ hanging in the balance. 

"I can get to it," Alex insists. 

"You are going to go out that door and that is an _order_ , Cub!" 

But he already knows it's hopeless. Cub has made up his mind--he can see it in the teen's eyes. 

"You should go catch up with the others," Cub suggests. 

Wolf scowls again. Now _he's_ giving orders? "Cub-" 

"I'll be _fine_. Go." 

Before Wolf can raise any more objections, Cub is gone.

"Are you just going to stand there all day?" comes Fox's voice from behind him, followed shortly by a suspicious, "Where's Alex?" 

"He's getting the case," Wolf explains, watching in both anger and disbelief as Cub lies on the ground and starts... 

Rolling? 

Judging by the sudden absence of gunfire coming from the other side, they're as confused as Wolf is. It's not until Cub is right by the briefcase that the shooting resumes. But Alex snags the case, barely, and starts sprinting back to Wolf before they can change their aim. He stumbles slightly as a bullet grazes his right arm, but other than that he returns unscathed. 

"I...I can't believe that worked," Ben says in wonder. 

"Honestly, neither can I," Alex replies brightly. "I guess I'm on a roll." 

Fox snorts, but Wolf just glares. "That was stupid, kid." 

"Ah, I'm fine," Alex says dismissively. "Let's go."

* * *

"Cub, you are going to talk to me about what you did and you do not have a choice about it," Wolf snaps, dropping his bag on the floor. 

"What I did was salvage the mission," Alex returns. 

"Whether or not you succeeded is not the issue in question!" 

"Well, what is?" 

"Don't pretend you don't know!" Wolf can feel himself getting more and more angry with Cub's total ignorance of his problems. All of this would be so much easier if the kid would just acknowledge his issues. But he seems bent on totally disregarding them, on pretending they don't even exist. 

Alex practically throws his own duffel to the ground. "Ah, yes, my _recklessness_. Well, you know what? I'm perfectly alright. So-" 

"You got shot in the arm," Snake points out mildly. 

"Stay out of this," Alex says angrily. 

Snake frowns. "Alex, do you even know how many symptoms of depression you've been exhibiting?" 

"I said _stay out of this_!" 

"Alex, we're raising valid concerns. You could have been killed," Fox says. 

Alex stares right at Fox and says, "So?" 

That word, those two small letters, feels like a punch in the stomach for Wolf. Alex honestly doesn't care if he dies. 

The shocked silence continues for several more seconds. Alex picks up his bag with his left arm, the supposedly uninjured one, but winces anyway. Wolf frowns. 

"I thought you got shot in your right arm," he says suspiciously. 

"I did," Alex says in what appears to be confusion. "Why, are you going to question that, too?" 

"Cub, is your left arm hurt or not?" 

Alex slumps a little. "I sprained my wrist when I fell. Not badly. It's mostly fine now." 

Snake suddenly looks up. "You didn't tell me?" 

"No. I didn't. It's fine. Can I go upstairs now, or are you going to interrogate me some more?" 

Eagle sighs. "Look, Alex, you need to chill. Just a bit." 

Alex hesitates for a second but picks up his bag and heads for the stairs. "I'm fine," he repeats, more subdued than before. 

"Cub?" Wolf says just before the teen gets to the stairs. 

"Leave me alone, Wolf," he mutters, but stops. 

"Just try to be more careful, okay?" Wolf shifts awkwardly. Here he is breaking his whole tough guy routine, in front of his unit, and it's all because of a teenager. "I don't... _we_ don't want you to die." 

Alex doesn't respond, but Wolf thinks he sees a hint of a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments/reviews/nice things/whatever the heck you want to say to me are always appreciated ~~they might even encourage me to write the eagle chapters sooner idk you'll have to find out~~  
>  it's not an alex rider fic without a pun of questionable quality amirite ladies


	7. What You Said When I Woke Up Screaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you say "cliché"
> 
> I claimed that I had been working on this but IT WAS A LIE I actually didn't write anything for almost two weeks so this may or may not be good. I had finals and a lot of other stuff though so at least I have an excuse? an extremely subpar excuse? and just for the record I did give you like six chapters and 7k+ words in less than a month so at least I get credit there. ~~I can't even focus on this right now tbh~~
> 
> also extremely intelligent eagle who can quote random trivia at any point and is not treated like he is five years old is a fave definitely

Alex wakes with a ragged scream, a cry for for Jack to, " _Wait, don't go_." He can feel the stickiness on his cheeks where tears haven't quite dried. The nightmare had been a familiar one--in one word, Egypt. He feels like he should be used to it, at least somewhat, as it's easily the most common one he has. It shows up several times a week, and, sometimes, on the bad nights, more than once in one night. 

But that doesn't make it any more bearable. 

Living through it the first time had been bad enough. Having to go through it over and over again, being forced to see Jack get in that car _every single time_ , is even worse. Each time around manages to bring fresh pain into play. 

Suddenly, a soft knock on Alex's door makes him jump. Dang it. He had hoped that he hadn't woken anyone up. Evidently he had, and he feels semi-guilty about it. 

"Uh, come in, I guess," he says, trying to smooth his covers out somewhat so it's not quite as obvious how uneasily he slept. 

After a moment, Eagle walks in. Alex sighs in relief. Of all the members of K-Unit, Eagle is probably the least likely to make a big deal out of it. Except maybe Snake. "You okay?" he asks in concern. 

"I'm fan _tas_ tic," Alex replies with a lot less sarcasm than he intended. Honestly, he's exhausted, tired both due to lack of sleep and just life in general. He doesn't want to talk to anyone, but he doesn't want to tell Eagle to go away either. "Did I wake you up?" 

"Don't worry, I was already awake," Eagle says, his usual laid-back smile back on his face. "I heard you and just wanted to check up on you."

"Well, you know. Horrible nightmares. Not anywhere near the recommended amount of sleep. The usual." Alex tries to be casual about it. It's irrational, but somehow he thinks that not giving it a lot of weight will really make it better. It really doesn't, but it's one of his defense mechanisms. 

"Only fifteen percent of teenagers get eight and a half hours a night," Eagle reports immediately. "So you're actually in the majority here. Eighty-five percent." 

"I doubt eighty-five percent of teenagers are government spies who have seen way too many people die," Alex returns, almost as fast. And eighty-five percent of teenagers almost definitely don't have debilitating nightmares.

Eagle spreads his hands in a gesture of defeat. "Alright. You've got me there. Do you want to talk about it at all?" 

Alex hesitates but shrugs, allowing Eagle to interpret it either way. The older man sits next to Alex on the bed, evidently taking it as a yes. "Egypt?" he guesses. 

Alex allows his silence to serve as an answer. 

"You've had some real crap happen to you, huh?" Eagle comments. "I mean, obviously none of it is your fault, but still. It's like someone upstairs sat down and decided, hey, let's make this kid's life as miserable as possible. Or maybe your guardian angel got hit by a bus." 

Alex almost-laughs. "That's an interesting way of looking at it." 

"Better than blaming it on luck. Or yourself." 

"I don't blame myself," Alex starts to say, but trails off before he can finish the third word. "I just wish I didn't have to deal with nightmares. They make me feel powerless, like I can't change anything." 

Alex doesn't doubt that Eagle notices the sudden subject change, but he doesn't say anything about it. "Nah. Nightmares are the things that are powerless. Do you want to know why I'm awake right now? I woke up just before I saw a man explode again. That man used to drive me crazy. I couldn't have saved him. I know that now. But it used to bother me day and night. Obviously I'm still a little haunted by it. 

"But it doesn't have power over me anymore. I don't let it. I'll never stop remembering it. But it doesn't occupy every hour, even with the nightly reminders. 

"We all have nightmares. We've all seen things we wish we hadn't. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but someday you will feel better. And it will be because of yourself." 

Eagle stops and seems almost embarrassed. "So, you're not powerless," he finishes lamely. 

Alex stares for a moment, not knowing what to say. Eagle starts to apologize,but Alex cuts him off almost immediately. "That actually...that actually helped a lot, Connor." 

"Glad I could help." Eagle stands and goes to the door. "Just remember--I'm definitely your coolest unit-mate." 

Alex laughs, for real this time. 

And, when he finally sleeps, he doesn't wake up again until morning.


	8. What You Said That I Never Expected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup this one is short too I'm sorry guys 
> 
> I actually started working on the final chapter before this one because I had literally no idea what I was going to do with this one so that explains why this is so short

"Why can't you just leave me alone!"

"Why can't you just try to do something? It's just a tutor, Alex, not a full tour of Europe!" 

"Because I don't feel like it, okay? Isn't that enough?"

Wolf sighs. "Cub, you need-" 

"Don't tell me what I need to do," Alex snaps, and stalks out of the room with an emphatically slammed door. 

Eagle pokes his head in, unfazed by Wolf's furious glare. "What was that about?" 

"The tutor thing we talked about last night." Wolf gestures vaguely. 

Eagle nods in understanding. Alex had missed so much school (and objected so strongly to being around a lot of people) that sending him back to Brookland was probably a bad idea. Snake had been the only one of them who had gotten particularly high marks in school, but he had doubted that he could teach. None of them had thought they could. So the idea of a tutor had seemed like the easiest and most sensible option available to them. "So I'm guessing he loved the idea?" 

Wolf snorts, but it's more of an angry noise than an amused one. "Yeah. He took it great." 

"Let me talk to him. Maybe I can get Snake to as well." 

"If you think it'll do any good," Wolf says skeptically, crossing his arms. "I think he's pretty against it."

"Understatement. But I'll see what I can do." 

* * *

Alex sits on the arm of the couch, glaring straight ahead at nothing in particular. He's tired of Wolf and the others trying to push him back into his life. He's tired of feeling like he puts people in danger. And he's especially tired of being too tired for everything. He never asked for this, any of this. 

Footsteps approach. Without looking, Alex throws a cushion in their direction. "Go _away_ , Wolf." 

"Guess again." 

Alex looks up. "Oh. Sorry, Eagle." 

"It's fine. You have horrible aim." Eagle sets the cushion down and sits next to Alex. "I heard what happened."

"It probably would have been hard not to." Alex has no patience for talking right now. "You're not going to change my mind. Doesn't matter what you say."

"Well," Eagle says brightly, "I was thinking more along the lines of bribery, but-"

"You're not changing my mind, Connor," Alex repeats forcefully. 

Eagle shrugs. "Alex, I just think you should think about it." 

" _No_ I'm not doing it. I don't want anyone else close to me. You don't understand, none of you do! Even now, I'm a _target_!" Alex grabs another cushion, suddenly angry, and hugs it tightly to his chest. He pointedly avoids looking at Eagle. "And that means everyone around me is too! You four. Teachers. Friends. Anyone! The only reason I'm staying here is that I figure you can take care of yourselves. I'm a _danger_. A potentially deadly one. And it doesn't help that I have no energy and I can't sleep and I can't think about anything without some kind of negative memory and I probably have like twenty different mental problems and I really just don't want to care anymore." _Then again, Razim could take care of himself too. And the CIA agents. And who knows who else_ , provides a very unhelpful voice in his head. If he weren't afraid of looking even crazier, he'd tell it to shut up. 

He can feel Eagle staring but doesn't look up. That's the most he's said at once for...for he doesn't even know how long. "Is that why you don't want to go back to school?" Eagle asks finally, quietly. 

Not trusting his voice, Alex nods. 

"You know, I don't understand all of it. You're right there. But, you know, I had a lot of problems in school. Depression. Anxiety. I'm not sure I ever had a particularly good day."

Alex finds it hard to believe. Eagle, depressed? He understands that people can change, but it's difficult to imagine Eagle as anything but cheerful. "Seriously?" 

"Yeah. And now? You know, there's a reason I don't have a significant other. And it's not a lack of personality." Eagle pauses briefly. "Honestly, I'm afraid. Afraid that there'll be a day that I don't make it back and they'll have to deal with the pain. Or, worse, a day where they don't come back. And it'll be my fault. But the fact of the matter is that at some point you have to let people into your life. Even if you do think that it's dangerous." 

Alex still can't believe it. Eagle's fearless. All of K-Unit is, at least in his head. Which is, quite honestly, dumb, and he knows it. But it's how Alex thinks. He can't change it. 

Alex hesitates. He sees the other man's point, but he doesn't really want to. At this point, it's so ingrained in him to push people away that he's not actually sure he could make it work. "Maybe. _Maybe_."

"For the record, I think it's a good idea. But if you don't want to do it, that's fine." Eagle stands and affectionately messes up Alex's hair. "Just keep in mind that things always change. Hopefully a change for the better." 

"Not sure it could get much worse," Alex mutters darkly, trying unsuccessfully to fix Eagle's damage. 

"Hey, that's not very optimistic," Eagle admonishes. "It'll get better. Trust me." 

And with that, he exits the room, leaving Alex to think in silence. 

* * *

A few days later, Alex unexpectedly breaks the silence at the table. "I thought about what you said," he says suddenly, mostly talking to Eagle. "And you're right. Things will get better. And I...I think the tutor is a good idea." This last sentence is addressed to all of them. "I'll do it."

"Hey, that's fantastic!" Fox exclaims. The others follow suit almost immediately after. 

And Eagle? Eagle gives Alex a small, knowing smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone else pretty up for eagle being bi/pan or is it just me here
> 
> also! I know I've said this before but this time it's a complete promise: _the next chapter will be longer_
> 
> (it actually might end up getting split into two but they'll both probably be pretty long)
> 
> (and really incredibly sad)
> 
> (*unashamed author cackling*)


	9. What I Said At the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you guys ready for the happy albeit dysfunctional family to get literally torn to shreds because I'm not sorry  
> I'm really really not sorry  
> spoiler alert: the brief happy scene at the beginning is just a cover for the CRUSHING PAIN it makes me feel marginally better about what I'm going to do to you  
>  ~~did I even fulfill the prompt~~

"Fox, I will fill your bed with _flowerpots_!" Eagle exclaims as a supernaturally well-aimed green shell takes him down to fifth place. "How is that even _possible_?"

"Sold my soul," Fox explains casually. "Also, you're horrible at this game." 

"I'm better than Snake!" 

"Everyone's better than Snake," Wolf contributes from his seat on the other side of the couch. 

Snake looks up briefly from his book. "It's true. I'm the worst Mario Kart player in the world. Won a competition a couple o' years back." 

"There's no such thing," Eagle objects, regaining third from the computers easily. 

"Well, I'd win if it there were one." 

Just as Eagle finally beats out Fox for second, the phone rings. Snake looks at it and reports, "It's Alex." He answers it. "I'm not interested in buying anything." 

The reply makes Snake crack a smile, but Eagle can't hear it. "Alright. Don't do anything daft. Bye." He hangs up the phone. "He'll be home around four-thirty. He and Tom are catching a film." 

"Glad he's doing something," Fox says as he selects the next race. Eagle agrees. Alex has been making progress, really good progress, and is rapidly returning to normal. He's actually been talking about going back to school for the next term. 

When he sees the course, he groans. "Rainbow Road? What is it with you and Rainbow Road?" 

"Part of the soul deal was not falling off," Fox replies without missing a beat. "I'm almost guaranteed a win." 

Wolf snorts. "Right. We'll see about that." 

* * *

Eagle throws the Wii remote onto the couch. Twelve races and he still hadn't managed to get first in a single one. Fox looks far too smug for Eagle's liking. "When Alex gets home, you'll go down," Eagle says, annoyed. 

"Shouldn't he be here already?" Wolf asks after a glance at the clock. "You said four-thirty, right?" 

Snake nods. "But he's only ten minutes late. Maybe the film went long." 

"Right." Wolf doesn't sound satisfied, but Snake has a point. Eagle shrugs it off and starts another match. 

* * *

Barely twenty minutes earlier, a teenage boy doesn't look both ways before crossing the street.

* * *

By the time they get the call at almost five-fifteen, K-Unit is close to panic. Alex is never, ever late. At least not forty-five minutes late.

The phone rings, and Wolf almost tackles Eagle trying to get to it. When he sees the display, his heart sinks. It's not Alex. "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Linus-Reeves General Hospital. This number is listed as an emergency contact for Alexander Rider, is that correct?" The voice delivers it calmly, evenly, like the words don't feel like a punch in the stomach.

"Yes. This is James Valdez, I should be listed," Wolf replies, forcing himself into the numb, emotional state sometimes required of a professional soldier. He's always been good at it, but it's never been so hard. "What's wrong? What's happened?" 

"Mr Rider was hit by a car almost an hour ago. He sustained severe injuries. He's in the OR right now, but the doctors said that they don't know if he'll make it." 

_Don't know if he'll make it_. Wolf almost drops the mask, and the phone. "Can I-can we come see him?" 

"Of course. Visiting hours end at seven. Do you need the address?" 

"No, I...I know where it is. Thank you. Goodbye." Not trusting himself to say any more, Wolf hangs up the phone. His hands are shaking. He knows the rest of the unit wants an explanation, but he can't imagine saying anything. 

"Where is he?" Snake asks, seemingly calm, probably trying to get through to Wolf. All the calmness does, however, is remind Wolf of the voice of the hospital worker. 

Eagle, sensible as he is in situations like this, checks the phone's previous calls. "Linus-Reeves. I know where that is." 

"We'll go right now," Fox says. "Come on. I'll drive." 

Alex might die. Wolf can't get over it. Alex has literally been _shot an inch above his heart_ ; he can't be brought down by a _car_. 

He tries to tell himself there's a chance that Alex will survive, but his instincts tell him it's too small to hope for. 

_Alex is going to die_. 

* * *

Fox listens as Wolf haltingly explains what's happened. He suddenly understands why the other man looked so shaken when he got off the phone. 

Alex could die. 

The thought of Alex actually dying is hard to imagine. He's just been through so much, beat so many impossible odds. With MI6's agreement to leave him alone for the next few years, Alex should have been fine. Happy. He should be safe.

* * *

Sometimes, Snake decides, being part of an extremely dangerous-looking and muscled group has its advantages. 

When they walk into the hospital, everyone automatically gets out of their way. The people part into two nearly perfect halves, leaving a path straight to the receptionist. 

Snake feels kind of sorry for scaring her. "We're here for Alexander Rider," he says quietly. "Can you tell us where he is?"

"Just a moment." She types several things into the computer in front of her, each keystroke carrying the weight of worlds. Snake tries to swallow the horrible dread he feels.

"His injuries were extremely severe," she says finally. "The doctors are still working, and they probably will be for a while. You can sit and wait, if you'd like."

"Thank-thank you," Snake replies, feeling the dread come roaring back. Long operations have two outcomes: the usual, at the very least not good, and extremely rarely, excellent. 

Snake has the worst feeling that this is one of the former.

* * *

It's three AM, and K-Unit probably should have been kicked out hours ago. However, either due to an understanding (or perhaps intimidated) receptionist or a twenty-four-hour waiting room, they're still there. 

And still dreading. 

Eagle sits in the corner, hands refusing to stay still, flipping through magazines, shredding Styrofoam cups, picking at the chair's peeling cover. Wolf, in contrast, sits as motionless as a statue, still shocked. Fox is dozing. Snake is pacing. 

And still there's no news of Alex.

* * *

At 3:51, a doctor comes out of the door to the rest of the hospital. They dismiss her--she's not the first--but after a moment the receptionist--a different one--calls for Mr Valdez. Wolf stands up, followed almost immediately by the other three. 

"What is it?" he asks, afraid to hear the answer. 

"Mr Rider is stable. At least for now," the doctor explains. "We're still not sure, but...there's at least a possibility he'll survive. A _small_ one. I don't want to get your hopes up. But he's strong, definitely a fighter." 

Wolf isn't sure whether to be incredibly grateful or incredibly disappointed. He decides to take the former route. "Thank you." 

"It's my job," she says dismissively. "You should go home. I'm sure the hospital will keep you updated. Besides, you look like you need sleep. So do I, actually." She yawns. "I wish you the best."

"He's alive," Eagle says happily. 

"For now, anyway." Wolf doesn't mean for it to sound so negative, but it does. "Let's go back to the flat. Sleep sounds like a good idea. We can see him tomorrow, probably." 

* * *

Despite the late hour that they had gone to sleep, K-Unit is all up by seven. None of them say it, but all of them are thinking it. 

_Alex may die_. 

Instead, they talk about other things. Hospital visiting hours, if they should take shifts sitting with Alex, but never that he might not make it. 

Somehow, it feels like it would make it too real. 

* * *

For the first few days, nothing much happens. They cycle out on six-hour shifts, almost never leaving Alex alone. There are a couple close calls, but Alex pulls through. 

At least temporarily. 

* * *

On day sixteen, just when they were starting to think it was too late, Alex finally wakes up. Snake is on Alex duty when it happens, and he wastes no time informing both the medical staff and the rest of the unit. The doctors kick them out for nearly an hour while they run tests. The extra waiting doesn't do K-Unit much good. 

"Snake, you know about this kind of thing," Eagle says, pacing. "What do you think?" 

Snake shrugs. "I think it's bad. The fact that he woke up is good, but it doesn't mean too much. I talked to one of the doctors a few days ago, and he told me there was a lot of damage. Spinal injuries. Probable brain damage. I mean, he is Alex, but..."

The rest of the unit nods silently. They've all seen people die, but it's usually in combat situations or an elderly family member. Not this, never this. 

Finally, one of the doctors emerges and tells them that they can go in. "He won't be able to talk much," she warns. "But you can at least see him. 

Snake hangs back as the other three go in and grabs the doctor's shoulder. "What do you think his chances are?" he asks her. He's not sure he wants to hear the answer. 

She purses her lips. "Well, that he's woken up is a good sign, but it's no guarantee. There's a lot of internal damage, and we don't want to risk taking him off any of the machines yet. I'd say...twenty percent. Maybe twenty-five." 

Snake can't breathe for a moment. Those really aren't very good odds. Snake has never been very religious, but he sends up a quick prayer to whoever or whatever may be listening. "Thank you," he tells the doctor. She nods and walks away. 

"There you are," Fox says as he walks in. Alex looks up and smiles a little.

"Nice of you all to...to be here," Alex practically whispers. 

"We've barely left you, actually," Eagle says. "We got attached. Wasn't supposed to happen, but oh well." 

"Am I going to die?" Alex asks suddenly, words slightly distorted by what is probably a huge amount of medication in his system. 

"No!" Snake objects quickly, at the same time as Fox. "You're going to be fine." 

"Maybe," Wolf mutters, almost too quietly to be heard. Luckily, it doesn't appear that it was loud enough for Alex to pick up; still, Snake shoots a glare at him. 

"You'll be fine, Alex," Eagle promises, just as Alex's eyelids begin to droop again. 

Somehow, Snake knows he doesn't quite believe it either.

* * *

Alex sleeps for nearly a day after that, which the doctors reassure them is completely alright. "His body's trying to repair itself. At least, as much as it can," one of them explains. "Sleeping's good for him, as long as he doesn't slip into another coma."

He rushes to promise that that is highly unlikely, but it doesn't do all that much for the Unit's confidence. 

* * *

"Ben," Alex says suddenly, the next day. Ben looks up from his book and grins. 

"Alex! You're awake again!" Ben replies. "What is it?" 

"I just...wanted to say thank you. For being here through all this. For everything." He tries to sit up but stops very quickly, warned off by the sudden increase in beeping. "Can you tell the others that too, in case I'm not awake when they come?" 

Fox nods immediately. "Of course. And, Alex? It's nothing. We're responsible for you. It's our job." 

Alex smiles, barely. "Wake me up if Tom comes again, alright?" 

"Alright," Ben replies, but he thinks Alex might be asleep again already. 

* * *

The next few days are filled with concern, close calls, and newly discovered problems. The brain damage is minimal, but things that they hadn't thought would be bad turn out to be just that. 

Despite everything, though, they start to hope that Alex will be okay after all. It looks like he's going to pull through yet again. Another miraculous recovery for Alex. 

Of course, that's when everything starts to go very bad very quickly. 

* * *

"Alex hasn't been improving like we'd hoped," one of the doctors says before Eagle enters the room. "His chances are getting lower every day. He's been sleeping more, talking less, and he's barely responded to the stimuli we've tried. I'm sorry." She places a sympathetic hand on Eagle's arm. 

"Thank you for letting me know," Eagle says, feeling some of his last remnants of hope drain away. But, in a way, he's almost glad. Alex is miserable and partially paralyzed. If he knows anything about Alex, it's that he wouldn't be happy living like that. 

Still, selfishly, he wants Alex to stay. 

* * *

Alex Rider dies with a laugh and a smile on his lips, and Wolf watches helplessly as it happens.

It's a day much like the others, if with Alex a little bit worse than before. Wolf makes a dumb joke that even Eagle would be proud of, although he can barely remember it afterwards, and suddenly the rhythmic beeps that have become so common that Wolf doesn't pay attention to them anymore are a single, unrelenting tone. 

Wolf knows what it means, but it takes him a second to think it through. Then, before he can do much of anything, a nurse is shoving him out of the room. Someone calls something over the intercom. Maybe twenty seconds later, three doctors rush into Alex's room.

Wolf leans against a wall, feeling like he can't breathe. Doctors bring people back all the time; they can do it with Alex too. Alex won't die. Alex can't die. 

Through the door, he can see everything. He can see the defibrillator. He can see the lack of response. And he can see the head doctor shake his head and look at his watch, can read his lips as he says, "Time of death, eight-twenty-three PM." 

He barely hears the nurse who comes out and says, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could." 

And he looks over her shoulder and sees Alex, limp, pale, and lifeless. 

And he cries.

* * *

The funeral is small, short, and attended by fewer than fifteen people. A small obituary, one that leaves out most of the details, is published the same day. Alex Rider passes from people's lives smoothly, quickly, almost unnoticeably, leaving countless memories and a single stone behind. 

_-Alexander John Rider-_

 _He did more for the world than the world will ever know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: hospital is completely made up because I'm a lazy butt  
> disclaimer #2: I, unfortunately, am not a medical professional and therefore do not have a very thorough understanding of medicine. Google can only do so much. I'm sorry.  
> also I was going to make this the last chapter but I'm going to write one more (think of it as a bonus chapter)  
> and as usual questions/comments/concerns/literally anything that you want to express to me will be accepted with me curling up into a happy ball of joy (especially if the thing is nice)


	10. What I Said Instead of Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well here it is. the last chapter of the thing that just started out as a feels dump in the middle of the night. I'm proud of myself (especially because I'm REALLY REALLY bad at updating things as evidenced by the fact that it took me like. a month to post this)
> 
> anyway I'm sorry it took so long but I've been really really really busy (I mean like we moved I'm posting this from a different house) and I kind of hit a writing blank spot for like a week (I couldn't concentrate on any of the like five things that I'm writing) and let's not forget the fact that I didn't have wifi for like three and a half weeks even though it was only supposed to be like six days and I don't have a whole lot of data! but here it is, posted, and that's what counts, right?
> 
> (back to having wifi and I am thoroughly ashamed of myself--I haven't written a single thing while I didn't have wifi although I have read a book series and a half and discovered that I'm pretty dang good at making pancakes and done band camp and not studied for the spanish lessons I need to know in fifteen days for school starting) (school starts in like two weeks) (ahhhhhhhhh)

If Alex's plight had brought K-Unit closer together, his death drives them farther apart than ever.

They fight about what to do with Alex's things. They barely talk otherwise, and the conversations they do have feel almost forced. Given time, they probably could figure it out, but Fox leaves the flat barely two weeks after Alex dies, citing a need to be by himself. He and Snake have a long, loud argument about it, Snake demanding that they need to stay together, but Fox doesn't listen to a word of it. He's gone when they wake up the next morning.

Snake supposes he understands. Fox had been the closest to Alex; it made sense that the teen's death would affect him the worst. Still, Snake wishes he had stayed. Being together as a unit would have made it easier.

Wolf leaves next, claiming that it doesn't feel right without all four of them there. Snake tries to get him to stay, but it's a lost cause. Wolf is set in it, and nothing Snake says or does can stop him. He leaves two days later with a duffel bag over his shoulder and what he claims aren't tears in his eyes.

Eagle stays for another month or so before he too leaves the flat. Although he does his best to hide it, Snake can tell that the other man is unhappy. His normally bright mood is melancholy and unenthusiastic, he avoids Alex's closed door like it's a highly dangerous wild animal, and any mention of the teen is met with sharp words and short replies. Snake thinks his decision to leave had been made all along.

And so Snake is left, alone, in what used to be one of his favorite places. Now, though, it reminds him too much of the happy times he used to have (and will probably never have again). There are days that he just sits on the floor and wonders at the emptiness of it. They were going to stay here for a long time, at least until Alex was an adult. It was going to be nice, like having a family.

That's all been taken, snatched away by a split second of inattention and a single car. Things are probably never going to be the same in K-Unit. He isn't sure if they'll ever regain the closeness they used to have.

What he is sure about, though, is that he can't continue to live in the flat by himself. It's too big, too lonely, too painful. He'll need to sell it and find somewhere that he can live by himself, without all the memories that he can't push away.

And, he realizes reluctantly, that means that he needs to go through Alex's room.

* * *

As a way to delay the inevitable, Snake goes through all the other rooms first. The three bedrooms that had been occupied by the Wolf, Fox, and Eagle are empty--they took all of their things with them. Snake's own room is as neat as usual, and the downstairs is pretty much spotless.

So, able to put it off no longer, Snake opens the door to Alex's room.

It's much the same as it was when Alex was still alive--Fox had tried to go through it but had broken down before he got very far into it, and no one else had tried since.

Snake walks in and slowly runs a finger over one of the shelves. It comes away with a thin coating of dust. Snake sighs and grabs the nearest item, a frame with four pictures in it. Two he assumes are Ian Rider and Jack Starbright, one of Alex and Tom, and one, to Snake's surprise, with Alex and K-Unit in it. They had taken the picture on one of the rare occasions that they had actually gotten Alex out of the house. Snake hadn't known that Alex had kept it.

With a slight pang of sadness, Snake realizes that the frame has the least dust of any of the other items on the shelf. Alex had taken extra care of this.

Snake sets it down and goes to find a trash bag.

* * *

Two hours later, Snake has finally gotten the visible parts of the room clean enough to start working on the other spaces. Alex's dresser is perfectly neat, although Snake does find a knife in the sock drawer that he hadn't known about. The closet is such a nightmare that Snake decides to take care of it last, leaving under the bed as the next obvious choice.

"Please don't be a mess," Snake says to no one as he gets down on the ground. To his relief, the only items under the bed seem to be two boxes, one considerably smaller than the other, and a photo album. He pulls out the album first, but it appears that there's only one picture in it. A man and a woman, smiling happily, gazing into each other's eyes. The only words Snake can think of are _in love._

For the briefest moment, he thinks the man in the picture is Alex. Almost immediately, though, he realizes that the man is probably in his late twenties.

His parents, Snake thinks abruptly. Pulling out the picture only confirms it. The back of the picture is labeled in scribbled, messy handwriting:

_Dear Alex,_

_This is one of the few pictures I have of your parents together. I want you to have it to remember them by--I think they'd want you to. Happy birthday._

_Sincerely, Ian_

Snake sighs deeply and replaces the photo in the album. John and Helen, dead. Ian, dead. Even...even Alex, now, dead. Their family seems to be cursed.

Pulling out the larger box, Snake can see that it's somewhat of a catch-all--some school projects, small, random possessions, and a necklace that might have belonged to Alex's mother. He sorts it into three piles--trash, keep, donate--and reaches for the smaller one next.

The smaller box, however, is locked. By the weight, though, Snake would guess that it's empty, or close to it, which doesn't make sense. Why would Alex lock an empty or near-empty box?

It barely takes Snake twenty minutes to pick it, though Eagle probably could have done it in less, and he's soon proven wrong. The box isn't empty--it's full of envelopes, each addressed to a different person. Tom, Mrs. Jones, Smithers, K-Unit--they're all there. Snake frowns, not understanding, until he pulls them out and a small paper comes fluttering down.

_To be opened only if I, Alex, am dead._

Snake stares at the paper for a full half minute before his mind completely absorbs it.

Alex had written letters to all of them.

He pulls out his phone and immediately dials Eagle's number. "It's me," he says before Eagle has a chance to say anything at all. "I need you to come. There's something you three need to see."

* * *

K-Unit stands in the kitchen, each staring at the envelope they hold. It's Wolf who finally breaks the silence.

"You found these where?" he asks in a hushed voice, which is unusual for him.

"In a locked box under Alex's bed," Snake replies. "There are a lot of them, not just ours."

"I think we should open them," Fox says. "I mean, it's kind of his last wish, isn't it? He wrote these specifically for us to read after he died."

"Well, I doubt Snake got us all back here just so we could stare at these things." Eagle turns his envelope over and carefully pulls up the tab.

One by one, the rest of K-Unit follows.

* * *

_Dear Fox,_

_If you're reading this, I'm probably dead. If you're reading this and I'm not dead, please stop messing around in my room and put this back. Seriously, Ben. I'm trying to do a serious thing here._

_Anyway, so if you're reading_ this _, I'm dead. I don't know how, obviously, so this is just going to kind of be a vague thing. I'm sorry if it turns out to not be exactly what you wanted. Closure is hard when you don't know what you're closing for._

 _First off, I have two things to say to you._

_If I killed myself: it's not your fault. If something else happened: it also wasn't your fault. Unless you personally pointed a gun at my head and pulled the trigger, which if for whatever reason did happen most likely isn't even your fault, it isn't your fault._

_Did you read that, Ben?_

It. Isn't. Your. Fault. 

_Anyway, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'm going to address some things specifically to you._

_Thank you, Ben, thank you for everything. I don't think you know how much you did for me. I don't think I can tell you everything._

_But, I can tell you this. There was a night when I first started living with you. You probably don't even remember, but I do. You came in and you told me in no uncertain terms that I was important. I think you thought I was asleep. Do you know how much that changed? My life was miserable. I was miserable. You were the only reason I kept going then._

_Also, I talked to Mrs. Jones. She told me you all but screamed at them to stop recruiting me. I don't think it did as much good as you hoped, but I appreciate it._

_You've done me so much good, Ben. You took me in. You didn't have to. You were never not there when I needed your help. You were like an older brother to me when I needed an adult figure in my life._

_Thank you, Ben. Thank you for everything._

_-Alex_

* * *

_Dear Snake,_

_You know, you might have already gotten some kind of closure. Maybe I judged you wrong, but you seem like you're good at coping. Maybe you don't even need this letter._

_Then again, maybe you do. Still, since these are getting surprisingly difficult to write, I'm going to keep this short._

_You ~~care~~ cared about me so much. I mean, I think all four of you did, but all in different ways, and yours was a quiet, almost parental kind of caring. I could talk to you, rant to you, get help with my schoolwork. I ~~trust~~ trusted you so much. _

_There are a couple of things I need to thank you for. Really, there are too many to count, but I'm trying to keep this short._

_You never ~~ask~~ asked too many questions. You never pushed me too hard. You never forced me to do anything. I show up at your door at two in the morning, bleeding from both knees? You patch them up without question. I break down over the smallest things? You help me, comfort me, reassure me. _

_You were like family to me. You all were. Thank you for everything._

_-Alex_

* * *

_Dear Wolf,_

_It's okay to cry. I know you miss me, and you're probably completely unhealthily repressing your emotions._

_Or maybe you aren't. I don't know. I've realised as I've written these that I really don't know you all as well as I thought I did. I'm not completely sure how any of you are going to be dealing with my death. Maybe you've been crying your eyes out. How am I to know? I'm dead. I'm assuming you're not. (How sad is it that I'm assuming that I'll die before you? My life is a mess.)_

_Sorry. I wrote that last part when I woke up in the middle of the night. Feel free to ignore it._

_Anyway, I'm glad I got a chance to live with you for however long it ended up being. I know Fox half forced you into it, so I'm glad you gave in. Once you apologised and all that, it was like having an overprotective big brother. (Two of them, actually. Fox is as bad as you.) You ~~make~~ made me feel safe and made me realise that I'm not cursed. By caring about me, you made me care about myself again._

_You probably hate this. I can't even believe I'm writing something this ridiculous. I thought it might be appreciated. You can't make fun of a dead person._

_Anyway, Wolf, thanks for everything. Really._

_-Alex_

* * *

_Dear Eagle,_

_I hope you're still staying ridiculously cheerful all the time. I can't imagine you not, and it would ~~kill me~~ be really sad if you're really sad._

_Wow. Look at that. I'm a literary genius._

_Even if you are sad, that's okay. It's not like I'm going to tell you what to do with your life. I just hope you know that there's no good part of dwelling on the past. It's okay to be happy even though I'm dead. I hope you are._

_Moving past that, I'd like to thank you for making me realise that ~~I'm not~~ I wasn't broken or worthless. Thanks for being patient, funny, cheerful. Thanks for convincing but not pushing. Thanks for being there. Thanks for caring. Thanks for everything._

_I'm running out of things to say. Who knew these would be so hard to write?_

_Anyway, the important thing here is thank you. Everything you and the others have done ~~means~~ meant so much to me. Don't ever not be you._

_-Alex_

_P.S. What kind of shoes does Voldemort wear?_

_Horcrocs_

_(You're welcome)_

* * *

Snake sets his letter down on the counter and looks at the others. Fox is staring at the paper in his hands, looking like he intends to pull Alex himself out of the words. Wolf has silent tears running down his face, and Eagle is in the corner, smiling sadly. 

No one says much for a while as they each reread their letters, but the atmosphere between them seems to change. The tension practically melts away. Snake and Eagle sit down at the table with Fox and Wolf, and they talk for half an hour or so before Eagle has to leave. 

As he walks out the door, Eagle asks if they want to do something Friday night, and they all agree enthusiastically. 

And Snake realizes that the letters did more than Alex probably thought they would. They didn't just give some measure of closure to each person. They made them a unit again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo!! go me!! 
> 
> I didn't even know what I was doing with this chapter the idea just intrigued me it was better in my head
> 
> anyway I'm so not ready to stop writing Alex Rider beecause I don't think I ever will be so I have this vague idea for an almost winter soldier-esque thing set in the same universe and an even vaguer idea for one set in a different universe so...would you guys be interested in either of those? ( **EDIT:** I've started the winter soldier-ish thing: They Call Him Deathmask. I've also started writing the other one but until I get some more plot I won't be posting it anywhere.)
> 
> normally I say comments are appreciated but this time I'm literally begging you for them TALK TO ME PLEASE


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